So its my 23rd birthday today. Gotta say after 21 they all feel like normal days with more Facebook updates. However this year my birthday falls on possibly the most important day of the year…….COLLEGE FOOTBALL KICK-OFF!
(throws rock at Pitt fan)
Do I really give a shit about South Carolina or NC State after tonite? Fuck no, South Carolina only even has a college so frat d-bags can wear shirts proclaiming their love of ”cocks”. And NC State, wow you haven’t been fucking relevant since..uh….ever.
(Door flies open)
Rivers: What! HUH! FUCKER!
Anyways, for this glorious day, I decided it was time for a mailbag, so here it goes.
Q: Will the Nats ever make the playoffs? Will they ever have a Cy Young winner?
A: Yes, next season and yes, Jesus Awesomepitcher will win it in 2011.
Q:What record will Michigan end up with this season (assuming that they pull off a win against Eastern Michigan) and is Rich Rod on the hot seat?
A: Well, looking at who they have to play, it looks like 6 sure losses-
@ Michigan State
So already that puts them at 6-6, good enough for a bowl game, and to answer your 2nd question, good enough for Rodriguez to keep his job. However, if you look at the other 6, heres how they breakdown….
Not to get all Simmions-ish on you but right now UM’s a 13 point favorite against Western Michigan, will be a slight underdog against the Irish next weekend, and barring a Purdue resurgence, could be favored in that game. So I would say that Michigan this year tops out at 7 wins, the 3 sure bets….3 possible….and an upset over Zook’s confused Illini. To keep his job Rich Rod needs atleast 5 wins and a decent showing against the Buckeyes, unless you know, he paid for an abortion.
Q: How soft are the Michigan football players? Would you take Rich Rod back if he left Michigan?
A: Jesus tits are UM players soft! Supple, natural 18 year old DD titty soft is too hard. Old men in Cialis commericals are harder. In fact, I can’t properly describe how soft they are, but I think I know some who can…….
( Door gets torn off hinges)
Mike Barwis: THESE PLAYERS ARE FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING GODDAMN COCK LOVING PUSSYS! THEY ARE SOFTER THAN A LIMP BISCUIT! I SHOULD ASSFUCK EACH ONE OF THEM! ”COME ON COACH I NEED TO STUDY????” CUMOME ON MY ASS! THEY ARE SOFTER THAN RICK PITINO’S ABORTED LOVE CHILD AND CAN I SAY SINCE I’VE BEEN TO CHURCH WITH THESE LITTLE SHITS, HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE OF GETTING INTO HEAVEN! FUCK!
So uh….theres your answer to that….as far as wanting Rich Rod back- sure we’d love to see him coaching TE’s at Marshall.
Q: When the NCAA Football polls came out (both Coaches and AP), the Big East was nowhere to be found in the Top 25. Give us your thoughts on the press and coaches snubbing the Big East, or if you just want to be a homer, snubbing WVU.
A: I’ll preface this by saying I only think 2 Big East teams are top-25 worthy, Cincinnati….and WVU. Heres all I needed to know about this years polls…Notre Fuckin Dame was #23. Are you fucking serious? Notre Dame sucks in ever aspect of football. How the fuck are they 23? I’ll go ahead and predict by season’s end, WVU will be top-10…..Cincinnati will be top-15 with 1 loss(us)….and another from the ”Uconn, Rutgers, USF” will be top 25, Syracuse as always will suck a dick. Oh and Pitt?…fuck them too.
Q: Who are you going to root for more this year Brett Favre or Michael Vick?
A: Oh…..oh….oh…(sound of Peter King, the moment Favre aknowledged he was returning)
As crazy as it sounds, I’m rooting for Vick. Yes, he killed dogs. But you know what, alot of athletes have done alot of terrible shit. I mean look at the things Vick has given us. ”Ron Mexico”, the unintentionally racist trainwreck that was the ”Vick and Dogfighting” OTL Panel, 1,000 Fantasy Football teams named ”the rape stand”. Favre is just an annoying, attention hungry jack-ass….hes reaching almost ”Ripken jr.” levels of holding on at this point.
Q: How do you see Tim Tebow transitioning to the NFL? and will Roger Goodell allow him to perform circumciscions in the offseason?
A: Tim Tebow is going to be an outstanding NFL QB. Some combination of Steve Young and Mike Alstott. My biggest worry with him would be durability. The punishment a normal NFL QB takes ends careers prematurely. He will have to, like Donavan McNabb did, learn to save the running for big moments. As far as Tebows penchant for cutting lil 3rd world wee-wee, the Commish lets Jay Cutler cut himself, so why not?
Q: With the upcoming college football season, if you had to make a playoff of the top 8 programs of the last decade, who would occupy your bracket and why?
Both from Billy,Morgantown
A: 1st thing I would do is put every program with a national title in, so Miami, Ohio State,LSU, USC,Texas, and Florida are our top 6 seeds. Then we look at who was always good, year in and year out. Utah gets in with 2 unbeaten season’s this decade. Finally which team’s have been this close. Oklahoma certainly qualifies, as does WVU. Since this bracket is taking into consideration postseason performance, WVU would get the nod.
Next we have to look at seeding, Florida and LSU, with 2 national titles this decade, are our #1 seeds. USC and Ohio State get #2’s for dominating their conference. Texas and Miami are the 3’s. Utah and Wvu are the 4’s.
So our bracket would look something like this for the 1st round
Chuck Norris Bracket-
(4) WVU @ (1) Florida
(3) Miami @ (2) Ohio St.
Dos Equis Guy Bracket-
(4) Utah @ (1) LSU
(3) Texas @ (2) USC
So, taking in to account the overall decade ,up seasons and down. Who takes this thing? WVU takes down Florida. Miami’s blownout. Utah upset’s LSU. Vince Young beats USC, again. WVU over a slow Ohio St. team. Texas is too big and fast for Utah. The night before the championship game, Vince Young sees his Madden 10 accuracy rating, gets sad, and tries to kill himself again. WVU wins 28-14.
LET’S GOOOOO MOUNTAINEER’S!